Haven't written in a while, actually it seems like a very long time ago. Maybe it's because I've lost motivation, or rather I just haven't sought the time, or maybe I haven't scrambled for the energy. Lately I've been feeling that my world is finally opening up. College is in just a few short months, I'll finally be freeee. But somehow, I still feel closed in. Realization #1: I run from problems. I guess I don't necessarily run from them, it's just that I avoid them at all costs. I'd rather leave things unsaid, put issues in a drawer and close it quickly. Take relationships for instance. They're tricky for me. In fact no matter how much I sought for one these past two years I can't help but be scared as hell. I've been hurt, and it frightens me to think I could be back in that place again. Perhaps this is why I run--I run for the sake of preventing future heartbreak or disappointment. I run to escape broken promises, lies, tears. Realization #2: I need to man up. I'm an adult now for goodness sake, it's time to get a grip on things and start acting like one. Graduation was just a stepping stone...I haven't yet reached the end. I'll be leaving what I've grown accustomed and comfortable to--my home, my friends, my family--and instead be setting off in a new place. I'm not fearful of this, no, but I'm not quite sure I'm ready for it. There is so much left to learn, and I am just now beginning to understand the depths of what my family has done for me. Realization #3: Happiness found from this world isn't going to cut it anymore. I'm tired of seeking joy in all the wrong places, it's not doing it for me anymore. These walls I've built for myself must go.
Yeah I know, that was a lot of jibber-jabber. And the tone was a bit depressing. But that's what's been on my mind, so I thought I'd share.
Still listening to Swell Season by the way. Look up "The Moon," mmm so good.
Also, if you're looking for something interesting to read, here's my brother's blog. He's traveled across the country on a bike. I would call that pretty motivated.